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Friday, 23 June 2017

We have Lost the Coffee! #author #guestpost @QuiteFunnyGuy #comedythriller #comedy

Brian a robot from the amazingly funny book We Lost the Coffee was wandering the streets. WWBB took him in, dusted him off and well... read for yourself!

Brian the auto-tech

Greetings, human. My name is Brian. I am an auto-tech from the year 2044. I fix malfunctioning Tech in Buckingham Palace: e-terminals, bleepers, digi-pens and pads, waste disposal chutes and various other things that you humans don’t seem capable of using for five minutes without breaking, damaging or smashing into a million pieces.

Brian had a starring role in book one of the ‘We Have Lost’ series, We Have Lost The President, and appeared on the e-book’s cover. After publication, I kept getting stopped by other robots – automated doughnut dispensers and coffee machines, mainly – and asked if my fame was affecting my job. ‘Not really,’ is the unremarkable answer Brian always gave them. Although one or two of the other auto-techs give me some funny bleeps sometimes. They’re probably just jealous.

Brian also appeared in book two, We Have Lost The Pelicans, which raised my profile even further among the robot community. I suspect that my creator, Paul Mathews, incorrectly concluded that all the fame was going to my metallic head, because I have more of a cameo role in We Have Lost The Coffee. I have a short encounter with the book’s main character. He keeps insisting I call him ‘Howie’, but that is not his real name. He is, and always has been, a Howard. You humans are curious creatures. I don’t go around asking to be called ‘Bri’. So don’t expect me to call you ‘Howie’ when you’re name is ‘Howard’. If I could sigh heavily right now, I would. But I can’t. So you’ll just have to use your limited human imaginations.

In case you’re not up to speed with advanced robotics in the 2040s, let me explain what happens when I meet a human. The routine is always the same. I fire a laser into your eye, so I can identify you. It is a split-second procedure. But a distinctly dazzling one. This can result in a lot of grumbling from the human with whom I am interacting. But Brian has a job to do. And I can’t have unauthorised humans running all over the place. The authorised ones make my life difficult enough.

Brian Author Paul Mathews
I’m already in discussions with Mr Mathews regarding an appearance in book four, We Have Lost The Chihuahuas. I’m not really a dog lover. But Brian is prepared to make sacrifices to maintain his profile. Even if it means getting dog hair in his diodes.

Enjoy the books. If you don’t, I think you’ll find there’s probably something wrong with your comedy circuitry.

Brian has to go now. A human has caused another problem. If only the world was full of robots – it would make my life a lot easier.


London, 2045. Three months into the Coffee Wars and Britain’s caffeine supplies are at critical levels. Brits are drinking even more tea than usual, keeping a stiff upper lip and praying for an end to it all.

A secret Government coffee stockpile could save the day … but then mysteriously disappears
One man is asked to unravel the missing-coffee mystery. His name is Pond. Howie Pond. And he’s in desperate need of a triple espresso. Meanwhile, his journalist wife, Britt, is hunting royal fugitive Emma Windsor on the streets of the capital.

Can Howie save the British Republic from caffeine-starved chaos? Will the runaway royal be found? And just what will desperate coffee drinkers do for their next caffeine fix? Find out, in Paul Mathews’ latest comedy-thriller set in the Britain of the future…

'We Have Lost The Coffee' is packed with dry British humour, political satire, dozens of comedy characters and enough coffee jokes to keep you awake all night. It's full of crazy action and adventure in London, and beyond, and is guaranteed to set your pulse racing faster than a quadruple espresso.

So, join Howie, Britt and friends – as well as some enemies – as you travel forward in time to 2040s London.