We have Lost the Coffee! #author #guestpost @QuiteFunnyGuy #comedythriller #comedy

Brian a robot from the amazingly funny book We Lost the Coffee was wandering the streets. WWBB took him in, dusted him off and well... read for yourself!

Brian the auto-tech

Greetings, human. My name is Brian. I am an auto-tech from the year 2044. I fix malfunctioning Tech in Buckingham Palace: e-terminals, bleepers, digi-pens and pads, waste disposal chutes and various other things that you humans don’t seem capable of using for five minutes without breaking, damaging or smashing into a million pieces.

Brian had a starring role in book one of the ‘We Have Lost’ series, We Have Lost The President, and appeared on the e-book’s cover. After publication, I kept getting stopped by other robots – automated doughnut dispensers and coffee machines, mainly – and asked if my fame was affecting my job. ‘Not really,’ is the unremarkable answer Brian always gave them. Although one or two of the other auto-techs give me some funny bleeps sometimes. They’re probably just jealous.

Brian also appeared in book two, We Have Lost The Pelicans, which raised my profile even further among the robot community. I suspect that my creator, Paul Mathews, incorrectly concluded that all the fame was going to my metallic head, because I have more of a cameo role in We Have Lost The Coffee. I have a short encounter with the book’s main character. He keeps insisting I call him ‘Howie’, but that is not his real name. He is, and always has been, a Howard. You humans are curious creatures. I don’t go around asking to be called ‘Bri’. So don’t expect me to call you ‘Howie’ when you’re name is ‘Howard’. If I could sigh heavily right now, I would. But I can’t. So you’ll just have to use your limited human imaginations.

In case you’re not up to speed with advanced robotics in the 2040s, let me explain what happens when I meet a human. The routine is always the same. I fire a laser into your eye, so I can identify you. It is a split-second procedure. But a distinctly dazzling one. This can result in a lot of grumbling from the human with whom I am interacting. But Brian has a job to do. And I can’t have unauthorised humans running all over the place. The authorised ones make my life difficult enough.

Brian Author Paul Mathews

I’m already in discussions with Mr Mathews regarding an appearance in book four, We Have Lost The Chihuahuas. I’m not really a dog lover. But Brian is prepared to make sacrifices to maintain his profile. Even if it means getting dog hair in his diodes.

Enjoy the books. If you don’t, I think you’ll find there’s probably something wrong with your comedy circuitry.

Brian has to go now. A human has caused another problem. If only the world was full of robots – it would make my life a lot easier.

Paul Matthews' Website | Twitter | Blog | Amazon Books

Introducing...

WE HAVE LOST THE COFFEE

London, 2045. Three months into the Coffee Wars and Britain’s caffeine supplies are at critical levels. Brits are drinking even more tea than usual, keeping a stiff upper lip and praying for an end to it all.

A secret Government coffee stockpile could save the day … but then mysteriously disappears overnight.

Amazon.com | Amazon.UK

One man is asked to unravel the missing-coffee mystery. His name is Pond. Howie Pond. And he’s in desperate need of a triple espresso. Meanwhile, his journalist wife, Britt, is hunting royal fugitive Emma Windsor on the streets of the capital.

Can Howie save the British Republic from caffeine-starved chaos? Will the runaway royal be found? And just what will desperate coffee drinkers do for their next caffeine fix? Find out, in Paul Mathews’ latest comedy-thriller set in the Britain of the future…

'We Have Lost The Coffee' is packed with dry British humour, political satire, dozens of comedy characters and enough coffee jokes to keep you awake all night. It's full of crazy action and adventure in London, and beyond, and is guaranteed to set your pulse racing faster than a quadruple espresso.

So, join Howie, Britt and friends – as well as some enemies – as you travel forward in time to 2040s London.

💋 Need a chuckle? Check out this British #romcom - A Proper Charlie. Giggles guaranteed, and only #99c! #chicklit

Charlotte (Charlie) Wallis dreams of being a journalist and being part of a family unit. Life hasn’t been easy for her—born to a junkie mother and brought up in a children’s home—she craves a family life, but her current boyfriend has palpitations at the mention of commitment, and Charlie’s beginning to believe she’s going to be the office gofer forever.

Then she hears of a possible Jack the Ripper style story, which has London in its gruesome grip. Bodies aren’t showing up even though prostitutes are going missing at a rate of one a month, and the police are stumped.

Without telling anyone, Charlie dons her best fishnet stockings and hits the streets pretending to be a prostitute in the aid of securing a story to further her career.

But seeing her new boss, Ben Middleton, kerb crawling was the last thing she expected.

Then Ben lets her into his secret, and she not only becomes part of the ‘Jack the Ripper’ story, she finds herself the starring role!

Romcom at its craziest, funniest and British-iest.

Told is varying points of view between the protagonist, Charlie, and her love interest/could-be kidnapper/boss/geek/misunderstood, Ben. He's in the wrong place at the wrong time ALL the time. And they say Charlie's a klutz.

A Proper Charlie

Amazon.UK | Amazon.com

Excerpt:

It was when she plumped up the cushions for the fourth time that she decided she would go out and do some more research on the prostitutes.

She grinned, brightening as a plan began to formulate in her mind. ‘I’ll approach it differently this time,’ she said aloud, feeling ingenious. ‘And I’ll be a hooker for the evening. I’ll get information undercover!’

She rubbed her hands together, warming to her plan and picturing Melvin’s face when a publishing house took on her book and elevated her up the best-selling list. She would be sending Fanny to the canteen for her lunch and not vice versa; she imagined sending him for lattes and Sushi as Mr Middleton looked on in admiration.

‘Obviously, I won’t be sleeping with the clients, unless Orlando Bloom or Will Smith pulls up,’ she continued, ‘but that’s not very likely. Hell, I’d settle for anyone at this rate! Hmmm, what to wear…’ and she danced off towards her bedroom and pulled out a pair of stockings and a red garter from her drawer while humming to herself. In her enthusiasm, the dangers she might encounter were completely submerged.

Usually, makeup was just a slick of lipstick and sometimes mascara. Therefore, the hunt was on for her makeup bag, which contained cosmetics not worn since her schooldays, unless you included the hideous occasion where she embarrassed herself in front of Mr Middleton at the fancy dress party. She found it after turning her bedroom and bathroom upside down, and emptied the contents in the bathroom sink.

She picked up a red lipstick and pulled off the gold lid. Before the sensible side of her talked her out of her mad plan, she applied the lipstick to her mouth. Smacking her lips together, she looked at herself critically in the mirror. It was amazing how a little makeup changed your face.

She wiped it off and set about making up her face properly using foundation, lip liner and black kohl to line her eyes. She viewed herself in the mirror again: sparkly purple eyeshadow, pillar-box red lips and cheeks. Her makeup would match her red mini skirt and garter that she’d planned to wear.

She straightened her hair and added the blonde hair extensions she had used at the disastrous party, only this time she used all she had instead of just a few. When she’d finished, she looked like a blonde bombshell from a 1980s budget movie.

‘Goodbye Wallis,’ she told her reflection. ‘Hello Charlotte.’

Only 99p!