🎄 ‘I was in control. That was, after all, the essence of me. I wanted Lex, and he wanted me. Consenting adults. No relationship. Just sex.’ Oh no, I’ve Fallen in Love! is a #romcom that deals with real life. http://bookShow.me/B008ATGF4I #dark #comedy #dryhumour #books #Psychological

Some people just cope badly with festivities, while others cope badly all year round. 

Valerie's one of those 'all year round' people. 

Valerie Anthrope is neurotic and a regimented loner whose life unfolds after a ‘chance’ encounter with a stranger called Ellen who claims she’s Valerie’s fairy godmother.

And it is Ellen who introduces her to her nephew, Lex. But Lex is no Prince Charming! He’s a smooth-talking, egotistical know-it-all and worse, he thinks he’s God’s gift to women.

Lex learns the hard way that illness is sometimes invisible and hidden by the sufferer.

Valerie learns that she needs to reconnect with society, and accept help for her condition. 

Ellen doesn’t learn anything.

 She’s perfect as she is.

Oh No, I’ve Fallen in Love!

By

Louise Wise

This year, like last year, and the year before that, I turned down Paul and Milly’s invitation to Christmas dinner. They wouldn’t really want me there. They just asked me out of politeness, I was sure. Anyway, they had their children and grandchildren to cater for.

I wandered into my kitchen in my bathrobe and on autopilot drank two espressos standing at the window. Although I was relieved that the strange dreams seemed to have lessened since Boots disappeared, I’d have given anything to have her share Christmas with me.

The kitchen was small but bright because of the large window that overlooked the rear garden. The garden, like me, was immaculately kept – controlled. Neatly trimmed shrubs and small tubs of winter pansies filled the area.

The blue sky was misleading. Outside was icy cold; I could see frost in the shadows where the sun couldn’t reach. I observed my garden: pretending I wasn’t, but knowing I was searching for Boots. I did it every morning now. It was becoming a ritual. Another one.

I washed my cup in the sink, dried it and placed it back on the mug tree. One of the cups was facing the wrong way, so I took it off and put it on correctly. Frowning, I took all the cups off and replaced them higgledy-piggledy.

My Christmas involved staying in my pyjamas until midday, a long jog, a scented bath and a meal and a glass of wine or two while watching some Christmas movie. As I thought of my run, I could see in my mind’s eye, Lex Kendal standing outside the theatre. It was strange to think of him now when I hadn’t seen him for almost a month. A huge chunk of regret that I refused his offer of a night out caught me unawares. I wondered if I’d see him again. Then I wondered why I’d want to: egotistical, arrogant, annoying, sexy man.

I looked out over my winter garden. A robin hopped onto the bird bath, hoping for a drink, but the water was frozen. I grabbed a jug, filled it with water and took it outside. Shivering, I cracked the ice and added the water as the robin flew away.

I could hear squeals of excitement from my neighbours’ house and tried to imagine what Christmas would be like in a household with three boys.

In the front room, I put on the TV for background noise and sat looking at the Christmas tree. My eyes slid to the family photo on the wall: my mother holding new-born Sean with my dad standing behind looking over her shoulder, one hand protectively surrounding mother and baby, the other on the shoulder of a skinny, pig-tailed girl smiling a gappy smile.

I knew she was me. Yet, I couldn’t recognise her.

My gaze drifted to the base of the tree. There lay several presents, and I could probably tell what was in them without opening. Paul and Milly buy me a calendar every year without fail, and Tim a bottle of perfume. I was as imaginative. I buy Paul and Milly a nice wine, and Tim whisky.

I had given them their presents previously, and the gifts they’d given me in return were under my tree. I almost didn’t put them there, telling myself I was silly. I wished I hadn’t now. It somehow made the Christmas day stretch ahead interminably. My eyes dropped to the extra gift under the tree. Just like Ellen’s personality, it was brightly gift-wrapped with a huge red bow. I had been embarrassed to receive the gift; after all, Ellen had already given me the dress. I had bought Ellen a keyring and a matching pink scarf, gloves and hat set. The keyring was silver with a solitary diamond encrusted into a plaque that said ‘Fairy Godmother’. It had taken me ages to choose something for her. It was important to me that she liked my gift.

I picked up the package. It was quite heavy and had a solid feel to it. I read the label: Dear Valerie, Merry Christmas, all my love your fairy godmother. Smiling, I carefully pulled off the sparkly wrapping.

Inside was a beautiful hard-backed book: Cats Behaving Badly. It had real-life photos of cats doing the most amusing things with captions beneath. I smiled as I read one. Closing the book, I raised it to my nose and inhaled. I loved the smell of new books.

‘Thanks, Ellen,’ I said to the empty room. I thought about phoning and saying thank you properly, but knew she would be busy with family as would Paul and Tim.

Christmas was boring and over-hyped. I hated Christmas. Easter and all bank holidays too, come to that. Those were the days where I had to close the office and pretend to everyone that I wasn’t lonely. 

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L. Wise is a British author of erotica. Her debut novel is the acclaimed sci-fi romance EDEN, which was followed by its sequel HUNTED in 2013.

Jelvia: Not Human series is themed on the above Eden and Hunted books. Holding Out for a Hero book 1 is Wise’s newest release. Surviving her Dominate book 2 will be ready for publication 2019.

Writing under the name of Louise Wise, her other (non-erotica) works include A PROPER CHARLIE (romantic comedy), OH NO, I’VE FALLEN IN LOVE! (dark, comedy romance), and WIDE AWAKE ASLEEP (time travel, romance).