Tuesday 26 March 2024

The Insufferable Author's Guide to Literary Domination: An Epic Saga of Protests, Prose, and Postage Problems (Or How NOT to Write a Book and Pester Publishers) #comedy #blog

Louise Wise

Compose your manuscript in a dazzling display of creativity—single-spaced, with each side of the paper brimming with your genius. Choose a font that screams individuality, like the exquisite Curlz MT. No computer? No problem! Many agents still relish handwritten manuscripts—some prefer them!

Begin with a breathtaking description of your surroundings—let the reader feel the mist on their skin and envision the majestic cows grazing in the distance. Grammar, typos, and spelling? Forget about them! The copy editor will gleefully tackle those trivialities, grateful for the opportunity to enhance your masterpiece.

Chapter length? Irrelevant. Just ensure each one starts afresh from page one. Then proudly dispatch your 300,000-word opus, meticulously stapled and encased in plastic wallets, to every agent and publisher on the planet.

Craft your query/cover letter with the utmost pomposity. Remind the recipient of your sheer brilliance and don't hesitate to name-drop Aunt Fanny, Cousin Willy, and dear old grandma as adoring fans.

In the labyrinthine twenty-page synopsis, throw genre conventions out the window and leave the agents scratching their heads. Drop tantalising hints of a genre-defying masterpiece - part romance, part suspense, part horror, and a generous dollop of your own life's drama thrown in for good measure. It's like a literary potluck--you never know what you're going to get, but it's bound to be a wild ride!

Get your hands on a neon envelope and blast the agent/publisher's address in a hue so bright it practically blinds them. Slap on stickers proclaiming your arrival as the 'Greatest Author' because subtlety is overrated. Seal the whole package with enough Sellotape to challenge even the most skilled escape artist, and don't bother with the correct postage - let the postman deal with the consequences.

As for a self-addressed envelope? Nah, too easy. Instead, bombard them with daily phone calls until they're practically begging for your manuscript. Then, demand payment faster than a cheetah on roller skates. After all, why wait for fame and fortune when you can demand it now?

Hold fast and never entertain the thought of rejection. Should they have the audacity to spurn your literary genius, unleash the full force of your righteous fury in a blistering letter, highlighting their unforgivable oversight. Demand an audience with the bigwigs, and if that falls flat, stage a dramatic protest outside their hallowed halls until the long arm of the law intervenes.

Only then will they grasp the magnitude of your dedication to revolutionising the literary landscape with your unparalleled fusion of romance, suspense, horror, and personal memoir.

Writers, unite and conquer!

If you have a tale to tell about your journey through the realm of publishing, regardless of genre, we welcome you to contribute a guest post to our website. This platform provides an exclusive chance for you to garner free promotion for both yourself and your book. If you're keen to share your story, please reach out via email to info@louisewise.uk

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