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Sunday, 22 April 2012

Why family shouldn't review your book...

especially your mum!

I’d only checked my book's ranking yesterday, but you never know. I click onto Amazon and type my name into the product line. Up come my books, and I bring up Eden, my sci-fi/romance. It has been doing well lately so I’m keen to see if there are any reviews as well as to see if its rank has improve.

Not only has it climbed I have a review! My heart does a little jump of pleasure. And, better, it’s a five-star review! Oh, joy. I’m imagining the chocolates I can crack open in celebration.

The title of the review reads: Fan! Tas! Tic!

I begin to read feeling like a starving woman on the point of finding a feast of chocolate-covered goodies.

I loved, loved, LOVED Eden. I read it in one sitting and I hope there is Eden 2, and maybe 3 and 4 as well. Steven Spielberg should produce Eden into a film with Sean Connery playing the lead.

My heart did another funny little jump, but not in pleasure this time. I think, at the mention of Connery, it curled into a foetal position with its heart hands covering its heart head.  

You see Sean Connery is my mum’s favourite actor. In fact, in her eyes, he should play EVERY male lead in EVERY film ever made.

I continue reading, 

It’s a made for TV book! It deserves to be on the screen! In 3D!

Oh my God! It had to be my mum. I didn't think she'd read Eden. She's more a Catherine Cookson/Jane Austen reader, and openly detests contemporary romance.  I look to the name of the reviewer:


Cracking open the chocolates in my head changes into pulling the lid off a bottle of vodka, pirate style, and drinking the lot. Unable to help myself I continue to read:

Once Louise Wise forgets she’s writing silly science mumbo-jumbo, and concentrates on the romance, the story becomes a JANE AUSTEN classic.

She’s comparing me to her favourite author, and Jane Austen at that? I’ll never live this down! My name on the Amazon forums will be mud. It’ll be sticky, gooey mud with bits of bugs in. Maybe poo, as well.

Eden is a romantic retelling of Beauty and the Beast, although there are a few saucy scenes in it which has nothing to do with the fairytale! 

Who says “saucy” any more?

It’s very romantic, and I enjoyed it very much. If you don’t buy this book (and buy one for your friends too) you’ll be missing out. Buy, buy, BUY! Bye hehehehexxxx

My head flops onto the keyboard; my heart finally committing suicide.


  1. *lol* at least your mum loves yours! My mum can't stand mine. When I mention a good review I get a Bridget Jone's mother style response of 'Oh really dear? Well that's nice that there are others like you out there...taste varies so much now-a-days...'


  2. Oh, that's funny. Bless 'em!

    Mine hated the sci-fi element and even though I made up that she reviewed it (a TV remote is technical for her, so having a computer and an Amazon account is unthinkable!), she has boasted to anyone who'd listen that my book is made-for-TV. It's embarrassing! :(

    But I know where you're coming from. Much of my other family are like that. >sighs<

  3. "my head changes into pulling the lid off a bottle of vodka, pirate style, and drinking the lot. Unable to help myself I continue to read:"

    That was funny!

  4. Hi Jacqueline,
    Ha, thank you.


  5. Funny! It could be worse though. What if she were a lit critic!

  6. Yes, it's something to be grateful for!