A disillusioned writer's guide to staying/getting un/published

by Louise Wise

Write your book single spaced, on both sides of the paper with a stand-out font such as the beautiful Curlz MT. If you haven't a computer, don't worry, many agents take manuscripts in longhand - some even prefer it!

Your opening must be full of descriptive prose about a beautiful view or weather. They want to know which way the rain falls and what Buttercup the cow looks like. Don't worry about grammar, typos and spelling. The copy editor will sort all that out for you, and probably be grateful for the work!

Nobody cares how long, or short, your chapters are. Just make sure each one all begins from page one again. Then send in your entire 300,000 worded novel with each chapter carefully stapled and in a plastic wallet. Send it to every agent/publisher address you can find.

Make sure to make your query/cover letter as pompous as you can. Don't forget to tell the agent/publisher how fantastic you are and that Aunt Fanny, Cousin Willy and grandma loved your book.

In the twenty-paged synopsis add in that you're unsure of the genre; that it borders romance, suspense, horror and is a biography of your life. This makes certain you have covered all areas.

Use a brightly coloured envelope and write the agents/publishers address in an equally bold colour to stand out from the rest. Add stickers if desired such as 'greatest author has arrived'.  Wrap the envelope in sellotape to secure. Do NOT use the correct postage.

Don't bother with a SAE either, but telephone everyday until they receive your book. This is where you can then demand payment ASAP.

Be firm, and don't take no for an answer.

If by some strange reason they reject your proposal, be outraged. Write a curt letter, letting them know of your disgust. Tell them they are wrong and demand to see someone senior. If this doesn't work, take the next train down to their office and camp outside until removed by a policeman.

This way they will be certain to know of your 'seriousness' in becoming a writer of romance, suspense, horror and biographies.

Writers unite!