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Tuesday, 30 September 2014

@GoodeAJ and reasons to read her books!

The BORING author interview revisited
with
A. J. Goode


What’s so great about your crap book? (Don't want the boring details, a couple of lines is suffice!)
It's a romance novel with sex . . . Because, you know, there are so few of those being self-published every day.

Why that shitty title?
Because I was feeling really pretentious that day and thought it sounded sufficiently artsy-fartsy.

Did you run out of ideas?
Only when writing scenes that needed new positions for sex.

How long did it take you to complete your book (from idea to publication)?
Three years.

If it took over a year to write: Does that mean this book is boringly long and laborious to read?
No, it means I have ADHD and all the focus of a squirrel on crack.

What do you really think about erotica?
 I think erotica is great until the batteries die.  I mean the battery in my Kindle.  Sure.


Amazon
Is it the low of the lows for writers?
No, I respect a writer who can go low . . .

If you didn’t have your book professionally edited: What made you think you’re so perfect that you didn’t need to pay a professional?
Three years in Nancy Frank's AP English class.  I still have PTSD and flashbacks when I see an incorrect gerund or misplaced modifier.

Yawn, so basically you're the same as all the rest of the authors on Amazon and you’re the Next Best Thing. I don’t think so. Come on, tell me why should I spend time reading YOUR book over more well-received authors?
Because I promise not to call you at home if you leave a bad review.


Is there an author who inspires (perspires) you?
I aspire to be like any author who earns enough to afford erotica and batteries.

Do you think you write better than them?
Some of them.

Is your aim to out-sell them?
Duh.

In the writing world, have you ever regretted anything i.e written your own review (or written a bad review on a competitor's novel), argued on-line, copied someone else's idea?
I have a sinking feeling I may regret this interview.  Other than that, I regret posting some really horrendous love poetry on Poetry.com when I was younger.
But I'm being nice! Sheesh.

What qualifications do you have for writing in your genre?
I've been married, so I know about romance.  I've given birth, so I obviously know about sex.  And I'm divorced, so I know about erotica and batteries.


Many authors use their qualifications to show off their so-called talents i.e. crime writers are often coppers (police, for the non-Brits present) and the book becomes boringly technical. How have you managed to keep your knowledge low key? Or haven’t you bothered?
I have no real knowledge, so it hasn't been a problem.

If I were to read your book would I have to scroll through lots of acknowledgements saying how wonderful your book is before I got to the meat of a story?
 Nope.

What part of the world do you come from?
The part that looks like a really big mitten.
Greenland? Australia? *Runs to search the world map for a mitten!*

What do you think of your government?
I believe in every imaginable conspiracy theory because paranoid maniacs are fun to listen to.

If you were me (you know, perfect) and knew nothing about a person and you were told to interview them, what’s the one question you would ask? (answer it).
If you were a tree, what kind would you be?  (Oak, because maples are evil.)
I'm beginning to think you're slightly kooky...

Do you have any bad habits, or stupid rituals you HAVE to do in order to write?
I do.  My ritual involves dragging my laptop into the deepest, cobwebbiest, nastiest corner of the house and telling my children that the monsters there will eat any child who disturbs me.
*Making note to self to try this one*

Thank you A. J. Goode,  it's been a pleasure.


And that's the last of the Boring Interviews. Not so boring after all!

Friday, 26 September 2014

@AuthorBorg describes her perfect death

Inge. H. Borg
in her
The Boring Author Revisited!
 

Amazon ~ Smashwords ~ Barnes and Noble
What’s so great about your crap book? (Don't want the boring details, a couple of lines is suffice!)
Khamsin, The Devil Wind of the Nile (Book 1 – Legends of the Winged Scarab), plays out in 3080 BC (yes, that’s slightly before almost everything). Hence, nobody can call me out on the facts – if they do, they must be really ancient  or very learned—in which case they wouldn’t read fiction anyway!
A girl who thinks like me! When can we hang out?

What do you really think about erotica? Is it the low of the lows for writers?
Not necessarily. It sells, doesn’t it. Very frustrating to those of us who cower alone in our garret to hammer out “enduring literature,” starving while we do it.

If you didn’t have your book professionally edited: What made you think you’re so perfect that you didn’t need to pay a professional?

Because I seem to be one of the few people left in America who observes the difference between “to lay” (an egg), and “to lie” (in bed). Everyone is always “laying” about; even mattress sales people.

Yawn, so basically you're the same as all the rest of the authors on Amazon and you’re the Next Best Thing. I don’t think so. Come on, tell me why should I spend time reading YOUR book over more well-received authors?
Because I just slipped you a free copy – and because you might learn something. Oh, and because you’ll give me a rave, I mean honest, review!
Yeah, right...


Is there an author who inspires (perspires) you? Do you think you write better than them? Is your aim to out-sell them?
James Clavell and James Mitchener are two of my favorites– they may be regarded as old-fashioned these days; but then…(you are not rudely going to ask my age now!)
However, somebody just said that Book 3 (Cataclysm) is “like Dirk Pitt novel, only better.”
Are you old? I mean really, really old like 40 something? (as my son would've said!)

In the writing world, have you ever regretted anything i.e written your own review (or written a bad review on a competitor's novel), argued on-line, copied someone else's idea? 

Wow, any one of that would be lower than writing Erotica.
What qualifications do you have for writing in your genre?
A darn good European education, and an even greater patience to Google facts and the imagination to weave them into fiction.  Why don’t you check it out for yourself.
Are you saying I don't use Google for fact-finding? I'm the OO in Google, Missus!

Many authors use their qualifications to show off their so-called talents i.e. crime writers are often coppers (police, for the non-Brits present) and the book becomes boringly technical. How have you managed to keep your knowledge low key? Or haven’t you bothered?
Even in “good Historical Fiction,” the action has to outweigh the setting no matter how exotic (a love triangle, some palace intrigue and the occasional murder always tend to liven things up).

If I were to read your book would I have to scroll through lots of acknowledgements saying how wonderful your book is before I got to the meat of a story?

No. But I do start each of my “Legends of the Winged Scarab” with a short evocative (and generally unjustly maligned) Prologue to set the stage. If you can’t hear the winds (Khamsin and Sirocco) howl about your ears, and taste the sand between your teeth at that point, I failed you.

What part of the world do you come from?
Born and educated in Austria, studied languages in London, Paris and Moscow before winding up in the southern US (that took care of my former beautiful British accent).

What do you think of your government?
The same as I think of any government. I’d rather not expound on this here. After all, I do purport to be a lady.

If your book is set outside England would I understand your jargon? I mean, fanny means lady front parts NOT backside, car hood is a car bonnet--everyone knows that, right? Are British Englishisms/Americanisms/Australianisms etc important in your book? It's all about identity, isn't it?
“… fanny means lady front parts…”
You’re kidding! I didn’t know that. But then, it took me a year to guess what OMG might mean; I surely hope I guessed correctly because I have used it a couple of times.
OMG - oh my God? Original Mafia Gangsta?

Why that shitty title?
Are you talking about MY Khamsin, The Devil Wind of the Nile? The one who was just short-listed for the 2014 Indie Historical Fiction Award of the Historical Novel Society to be doled out in London in September? I am crushed. Just wait ‘til I turn the Curse of the Mummy on you and suffocate you with a mouthful of desert sand.

Did you run out of ideas?

You mean, as far as a title is concerned? Not for the first two ‘windy” books; for Book 3, however, I had to blow up a Supervolcano. Now, I am out of ideas.

If you were me (you know, perfect) and knew nothing about a person and you were told to interview them, what’s the one question you would ask? (answer it).
“I am working on it.”

How long did it take you to complete your book (from idea to publication)?
There you go again, trying to figure out how old I might be. Let me just say, when I started, my computer didn’t have a hard drive but I used large floppies for the program itself as well as the documents (yes, those big black things now on display at the HP/Compaq Museum).
When I began I had an Olivetti typewriter! The floppies came later for me. I still have them, in fact. Can't bear to throw them away.

If it took under a year to write: It didn’t take you long to write so does that mean it is poorly researched, edited and written on a whim?
Try 20 years of writing, querying, gathering dust in a drawer. Happy now?
Wow, you're OLD!

If it took over a year to write: Does that mean this book is boringly long and laborious to read?
It was! But I slashed 100,000 words (gosh, the money I could have made turning those lost words into …something).

Do you have any bad habits, or stupid rituals you HAVE to do in order to write?
I am not sure if it’s a stupid ritual or even a bad one. But daily turning on the computer usually precedes furious keyboard-pounding.

Authors are usually labelled as ‘dreamers’ and ‘loners’. Have you been labelled as such? And what implications do you think that has on a writer?

Call it what you will, but extroverts who “talk, talk, talk” usually don’t have time (nor the patience or intellect) to write it all down.
Love that answer!

What do you think of social media (pick one answer):
1. Somewhere to advertise my book.
2. Somewhere to interact with other writers.
3. Somewhere to find information.
4. All of the above.

Number four in small doses. On the whole, it’s a bloody time-suck with everyone mostly crowing about themselves.

Does ‘being a writer’ make you feel like an outsider with normal, everyday people such as your family and friends?
Not unless they are “laying on the couch,” ignoring the past participle. “Oh, my,” some might gush, “I should have went there. Then I could have did this…” That’s when I become the ear-holding outsider. On the whole though, my friends see me as exasperatingly normal.

Describe your perfect death (in case I have to kill you)?
Ah, now your reveal your true colors!Please, I’d like not to be found naked; or on top or under something (or someone) scandalous.
Just give me a glass of wine, dribble the content of a few pills into it, and wait (you can sing or hum if you want). Luckily, you won’t have to look for my teeth because I still have all of mine. Just run a brush through my hair and pull my lips into a smile as I slip deeper into oblivion. You can do that much for me, can’t you? After all I did for you, telling you those secrets.

“Don’t touch that wine! Didn’t I just tell you about the pills! Some people never listen.” Oh my, too late. Sorry kiddo, I guess it wasn’t my time after all.

Give me the a) first, b) middle and c) end line in your trilogy.

Book 1 (Khamsin, the Devil Wind of The Nile)
a)    “Rih al Khamsin!” It was an eerie howl, rather than a cry. It multiplied and it traveled fast.
      b)  Maceheads thudded against human anvils to mingle with the last wails of                  the mortally wounded, the blasphemies of the defeated.
      c) “Remember, the end is but a new beginning for the eternal Ba.”

Book 2 (Sirocco, Storm over Land and Sea)
a)    “Trexa! Sorokos!” Barely, the fishermen pull their boats onto shore when the wind arrives all in a rush, malevolent and laden with Libyan Desert sand.
b)    “Mayday! Mayday! Can anyone hear me?”
c)    At last, the tortured planet exhales. Tomorrow has become today.

Book 3 (After the Cataclysm)
a)    At first, it feels as if the world needed to relieve itself of an irksome burden.
b)    “Fuck the Germans.” Lorenzo glanced at Naunet. “Pardon me, my dear, I didn’t mean to offend you.
c)    Not until then shall we both find eternal peace.

If this is all too exasperatingly long and literary, and boring, you can always grab a free copy of Edward, Con Extraordinaire. But a word of caution: That scoundrel has wormed his way into Book 2 and 3 somehow (where he is no longer quite so charming). Oh, he also has a cameo appearance as a bad memory in “Shadow Love.” Really, I must do something about that guy!

Whaa-at? Time already? Yawns. Oh, you're still waffling, er, talking. I meant talking.

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

Robert George Pottorff braves the Boring Author Interview to discuss his many books

Boring Author Interview Revisited

Time Bow | Robert George Pottorffs’ Army of Sol
Blizzard: Origin | Blizzard Spread
What’s so great about your crap book? (Don't want the boring details, a couple of lines is suffice!)
I speak to your children whom you won’t claim, (But know are yours) and I teach them how to react to the world around you in a cool manner.

I've four brats delightful children and however many times I try and tell them it's time they got jobs and moved out they just giggle and say, Mummy, we're only little. Sheesh.

What do you really think about erotica? Is it the low of the lows for writers?
Erotica fills a need for people who never get any erotica in their own lives, and has an historic place in human history right alongside the caveman’ club.

If you didn’t have your book professionally edited: What made you think you’re so perfect that you didn’t need to pay a professional?  

Most people today don’t read beyond close captions. So long as it looks right, it will scroll off the screen before they notice any errors.
Oh wow, I don't think so. Hope not anyway! That's saying most people are illiterate.

Yawn, so basically you're the same as all the rest of the authors on Amazon and you’re the Next Best Thing. I don’t think so. Come on, tell me why should I spend time reading YOUR book over more well-received authors?  
Unlike some publishers; I do not follow the hundred-year rule, and leave outdated behaviors in my tales, many behaviors are timeless, and I choose which I keep..


Is there an author who inspires (perspires) you?
I am who I aspire to be. 
Good answer!

Do you think you write better than them?
Story telling has come a long way from scratching out tales with chicken feathers dabbing in a smug pot. It isn’t a matter of 'be better', it is a matter of 'be relevant'. Writers of every era address issues of their surroundings, and so do I.

Is your aim to out-sell them?
Wouldn’t that be nice? Many past writers never received pay more than cents per word, nor sold outside their own areas.

In the writing world, have you ever regretted anything i.e written your own review (or written a bad review on a competitor's novel), argued on-line, copied someone else's idea?
No. Some ideals are not possessions of those who claim them; they are as timeless as man himself is. 

 
What qualifications do you have for writing in your genre?

My qualification is I don’t normally get caught telling lies, and those few times I have; they simply threw up their hand with no way to refute my assertions, and walk away. I love my writings, and have fun creating these stories. Enjoyment is the standard of entertainment.

Many authors use their qualifications to show off their so-called talents i.e. crime writers are often coppers (police, for the non-Brits present) and the book becomes boringly technical. How have you managed to keep your knowledge low key? Or haven’t you bothered?
Common knowledge isn’t always common; twisted truths woven in the text often mislead the reader to believe larger lies in the stories in spite of knowing from experiences.

You sound like a very deep person. Can you hear me from down there? Helllooooo...

If I were to read your book would I have to scroll through lots of acknowledgements saying how wonderful your book is before I got to the meat of a story?
No, however, you would have to read it to arrive to a decision concerning if you like it or not.

Well, doh!

What part of the world do you come from?
The United States of PANAM. 


What do you think of your government?
I didn’t vote for it, but I watch the games every year to cheer for my district. 


If your book is set outside England would I understand your jargon? I mean, fanny means lady front parts NOT backside, car hood is a car bonnet--everyone knows that, right? Are British Englishisms/Americanisms/Australianisms etc important in your book? It's all about identity, isn't it?
Yes you would as English; is explained in every dictionary on the subject.

But it's harder to find a dictionary for every country's jargon. I know it's refreshing to read something different and be educated but sometimes it's tiring having to put the book down, find a computer (or dictionary) to read up a word. Or is that me being lazy?

Why that shitty title?
It fits in the story in some way, and there is a place inside to wipe your eyes.

Did you run out of ideas?
No, when that happens I wait for your behavior to show me the answer.

If you were me (you know, perfect) and knew nothing about a person and you were told to interview them, what’s the one question you would ask? (answer it).
Did you enjoy writing the tale?
Yes, if it isn’t fun for the writer, how can it be fun for the reader?

How long did it take you to complete your book (from idea to publication)?
Depends on which one you want to know about. Every story is different in the time it takes to create, but generally speaking, statutes of limitations must pass before I release a tale. 


If it took under a year to write: It didn’t take you long to write so does that mean it is poorly researched, edited and written on a whim?
Stories tell themselves in however long it takes to express the end. 


If it took over a year to write: Does that mean this book is boringly long and laborious to read?
No, excessive time isn’t a factor. Prison Weekend Work release is often is the real reason for delays.


Do you have any bad habits, or stupid rituals you HAVE to do in order to write?
I have to like the stories to finish them; as for habits, if you can get away with doing it, they aren’t bad. 

Ooh, I LIKE that! Habits aren't bad if you can get away with them--yes, perfect.

Authors are usually labelled as ‘dreamers’ and ‘loners’. Have you been labelled as such? And what implications do you think that has on a writer?
No, labels like book titles do not completely reflect what is inside, however “loner” is far better than “Drunken @#$#@”. 


What do you think of social media (pick one answer):
1. Somewhere to advertise my book.
2. Somewhere to interact with other writers.
3. Somewhere to find information
4. All of the above.

You should add a fifth selection
5. A place to borrow money to pay my liquor store bill.

I'm beginning to think most writers are raving alcoholics!

Does ‘being a writer’ make you feel like an outsider with normal, everyday people such as your family and friends?
No, my stories are about your behaviors, and they are included. 


Describe your perfect death (in case I have to kill you)?

Pizza and beer overdose

See!

Give me the first, middle and end line in your book.

First line is the title, and middle lines are various; however, they finish with; the end.


Thanks Robert, good luck with the books.


Saturday, 20 September 2014

The workings of the male American mind... they have one. Or so Leif Petersen says...

 Boring Author Interview Revisited
by
Leif Petersen

What’s so great about your crap book? (Don't want the boring details, a couple of lines is suffice!)
My book explains the workings of the typical American male’s mind.  That hasn't been done quite like this before.  It's sort of a users' manual in novel form. The male mind works?!

Is it a short book? With pictures of lots of barren deserts?
Amazon.com
Does ‘being a writer’ make you feel like an outsider with normal, everyday people such as your family and friends?
First, my family and friends are not normal, everyday people, but yes, it does, because there is too much sex in it.  Literary sex, to be sure, but I do not think one’s children split those hairs. Also, my wife would be horrified. And my parents are still alive.
This is what pen names are for! 
What do you really think about erotica? Is it the low of the lows for writers?
It’d be easier to answer “when do you really think about erotica” (rather continuously).  Well-done erotica is high art, but lousy erotica is disgusting.

Is there an author who inspires you? Do you think you write better than them? Is your aim to out-sell them?
Yes, John Updike. He was a Harvard boy so of course I write better erotica than he did but no, I will never out-sell him.  He went to Harvard. I didn’t.
 
In the writing world, have you ever regretted anything i.e written your own review (or written a bad review on a competitor's novel), argued on-line, copied someone else's idea?
Hard to say – maybe writing my book?

Don't say that! It sounds unique in its formula.  
How long did it take you to complete your book (from idea to publication)?
My book, published in 2013, is about cheating in a marriage.  The original idea was for it to be about not cheating in a marriage.  That was around 1981, maybe.  Some guys move faster than others.  But it is neither boringly long, nor laborious to read.
Wow, sounds like a labour of love.

Give me the first, middle and end line in your book.
  1. As far as he could tell, he had stopped sleeping with his wife on account of dirty dishes in the sink.
  2. “Life is complicated, Dr. Wilson – we just keep it sorted out.”
  3. “I love you,” he said.
Thanks Leif for allowing us a look into your mind. Thing is, it's a bit lonely and sort of unoccupied in there. Just saying.

    Wednesday, 17 September 2014

    Never interview a comedy writer and expect serious answers!

    Boring Author Interviews Revisited
    by 
    Craig Zerf
     
    What’s so great about your crap book? (Don't want the boring details, a couple of lines is suffice!)
    It’s shorter than the bible, cheaper than the Mona Lisa and funnier than the plague. 


    What do you really think about erotica? Is it the low of the lows for writers?
    I believe that perversion is simply another art form, albeit stickier than most. Surely no writer can sink lower than copywriting for a multinational?

    Amazon.com | Amazon.UK
    You're (so far) the second to say that in these interviews, and it's not something I've thought about until now, but I think you're right.

    If you didn’t have your book professionally edited: What made you think you’re so perfect that you didn’t need to pay a professional?
    Paid a pro!

    Yawn, so basically you're the same as all the rest of the authors on Amazon and you’re the Next Best Thing. I don’t think so. Come on, tell me why should I spend time reading YOUR book over more well-received authors?
    Unlike most books available on Amazon – mine has been completely re-mastered in full 2D. It contains a cast of thousands and no expense has been spared. Must have done something right as it was voted Best Read by BBC Radio 4!



    Is there an author who inspires (perspires) you? Do you think you write better than them?
    Is your aim to out-sell them?

    Richard Bach…he wrote Jonathan Livingstone Seagull back in the 70’s. I mean…it’s like 10 pages long and it sold over 40 million copies. Genius – lazy and wealthy. I’d love to outsell him.

    In the writing world, have you ever regretted anything i.e written your own review (or written a bad review on a competitor's novel), argued on-line, copied someone else's idea?
    Pretended that I was R.R. Martin at a recent book fair. Wasn’t a problem until he actually arrived.
    OMG! Bet that was awkward.

    What qualifications do you have for writing in your genre? Many authors use their qualifications to show off their so-called talents i.e. crime writers are often coppers (police, for the non-Brits present) and the book becomes boringly technical. How have you managed to keep your knowledge low key? Or haven’t you bothered?
    I drink whisky well. Very well. In fact, some would say that I have a gift. This can be seen in most of my writing…do I see that as showing off? No, probably not.

    If I were to read your book would I have to scroll through lots of acknowledgements saying how wonderful your book is before I got to the meat of a story?
    I put all the acknowledgements at the back where they should be.


    What part of the world do you come from? What do you think of your government?

    Originally from South Africa but now I live in England. It is no secret that the South African government both blows and sucks mightily.

    If your book is set outside England would I understand your jargon? I mean, fanny means lady front parts NOT backside, car hood is a car bonnet--everyone knows that, right? Are British Englishisms/Americanisms/Australianisms etc important in your book? It's all about identity, isn't it?
    My books are set both in a mystical middle-earth type environment as well as current day earth. I make liberal use of Englishisms/Americanisms/Australianisms/Malopropisms and even solipsisms (although not so much of that last one).
    Why that shitty title? Did you run out of ideas?
    I built the title first and then I knew that the story would follow.

    Your titles are, er, interesting. Plob? Really? I blame the whiskey.

    If you were me (you know, perfect) and knew nothing about a person and you were told to interview them, what’s the one question you would ask? (answer it).
    Q: If cloning were possible, how many versions of me would you invite to your perfect dinner party?
    A: Huh?
    Two. Then I'd pour a single whiskey, hand you both two loaded guns and leave the room, locking the door on the way out. You'd be sure to shoot one another to get to the whiskey. Perfect.

    How long did it take you to complete your book (from idea to publication)? If it took under a year to write: It didn’t take you long to write so does that mean it is poorly researched, edited and written on a whim? If it took over a year to write: Does that mean this book is boringly long and laborious to read?

    Writing started on my book many, many years before I was even born. Some might consider this over-researched…others may simply view it as an example of Divine Providence.
    You began in the womb. Now, that's talent!

    Do you have any bad habits, or stupid rituals you HAVE to do in order to write?
    When opening my first bottle of the day I always throw away the top. This prevents me from wimping out and drinking anything less than necessary.
    Ingenious!

    Authors are usually labelled as ‘dreamers’ and ‘loners’. Have you been labelled as such? And what implications do you think that has on a writer?

    Mark Twain once said, “Be good and you will be lonely.”
    I am never good – thus, I am never lonely.

    What do you think of social media (pick one answer):
    1. Somewhere to advertise my book.
    2. Somewhere to interact with other writers.
    3. Somewhere to find information.
    4. All of the above.

    1, 2 and 3…but never 4.

     
    Does ‘being a writer’ make you feel like an outsider with normal, everyday people such as your family and friends?
    My family do not know that I am a writer. I tell them that I play the piano in a ‘House of ill repute.’ As for friends…well, I make up new ones every day.
    Describe your perfect death (in case I have to kill you)?
    I am happy with any death…as long as it doesn’t involve a ferret, a tub of axel grease and four pounds of English cheddar.

    Give me the first, middle and end line in your book.


    1. Plob
    2. Horgy stood up in front of the gathering. ‘Good people, I give you, Munge and Peasants Vegetable Industries.’
    3. With a stomach that felt full of lead and a heart that flopped in his chest like a stranded goldfish, Plob lurched nervously on down to meet with Death.
    Craig Zerf, sober? No? Thought not...